DOG’S DAILY ROUTINE
The day is
divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
1. Just because
there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does
not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside
of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain
of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes
without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any
space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight
or smell are considered gum.
3. When you
actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower.
Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes
after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish
is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually
swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from
a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim
5. When it
comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean
nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you
really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting
it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic,
stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous
drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete
and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time
that is not meal-time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a
nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location
for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing
position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most
practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person.
A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
A. At the
first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly.
If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you
know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance
or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest
unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels.
No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
a. The Common
Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As
you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your
only goal is to try to get out.
A. In the
event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated,
urinate on the physician.
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